Those who know me, know that I live my life by my own set of rules. These are not exclusive - I reserve the right to follow or ignore any other moral, religious, or legal rules that I think are stupid, or otherwise inconvenient. These rules that I claim as my rules might overlap some of your rules, or they might not. I don't care. I have a reason for each of the rules listed.

Never drive behind a car where the driver is wearing a hat. He's either (A) old and slow, or (B) young and stupid.

Never eat seafood at a restaurant where you can't look out a window and see water. Hint: you don't have "fresh" seafood in Kansas.

Never drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight. You are guaranteed to lose.

Never play poker with a man who has more than 2 gold teeth.

Never feed an infant chili. Never.

Never eat food that's staring back at you. If you're going to eat fish at a restaurant, tell them to do some food prep and make sure they remove the head and tail. You don't want to eat the fish's ass either.

If it's broken, why not take it apart? You can't hurt it once it's broken.

Killing people is wrong. Unless you're in war, or the victims are terrorists, or if they look different than you, or if they pray to a different invisible man, or if you just feel like it.

Never tell a woman she's fat. Especially when she is.

Your parents are always the best at pushing your buttons because they installed them in the first place.