Opinion Page

What kind of day are you having? It's the hardest question some of us have to answer. So, as a public service, I thought I would come up with an easy scale that we can all use to establish a common understanding. That way, you can understand what I'm thinking, and vice versa.

To devise a scale to measure happiness, I had to come up with opposite ends (poles) to represent "dismal" (the lowest end) and "great" (the highest end). So, since negative images are always easier to find, I started at the Zoloft (Pfizer trademark) website. Their drug is blatantly advertised all over television as an unhappy "egg", so I thought that would be the low end of the scale. As a counterpoint, I was trying to think of what would be the opposite of an "egg-man". That's when I went to my musical roots, coo-coo-ka-choo. I figured that the Walrus naturally would have to be the opposite of the egg-man, so I'm naming this scale the "Pfizer-McCartney Scale of Happiness".

The Pfizer-McCartney Scale of Happiness:


10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

OK, so how do you use the scale now?

Well, a 10 on the egg side means that your life has just turned into a bad country music song. Your dog just died. Your wife left you for your best friend, and she's a woman. Your job just got sent to India. Your car blew its transmission. Your roof is leaking, and thunderstorms are moving in. Your daughter is running off with a biker, who doesn't mind the fact that she's only 14. Oh yeah, and the IRS just called - they're auditing you for the last seven years. You try to shoot yourself in the head, but your gun jammed. That's a 10 day on the egg-man side.

What's a 10 on the walrus side? Well, that's when you didn't even know that you had the winning $300,000,000 lottery ticket in your pocket (but you find it before it gets washed). You just got that new job - congratulations Mr. Vice President! Your wife calls you to congratulate you - and invite you home early for a "special" night involving that new purchase from Victoria's Secret. Godiva accidentally ships you a year's supply of chocolate, and tells you to keep it, for the inconvenience. Your favorite musician's tour bus breaks down, and they offer to play you an private performance in your living room if they can stay the night. Your 18-yr-old daughter is still a virgin, and she just got accepted on full-scholarship to Harvard. The IRS calls and they apologize for their error 3 years ago - they're sending you a check, with interest.

All trademarks (Pfizer, Zoloft, and McCartney) are respected trademarks of those other companies/artists. If you care, the wording is there. I personally think that they should electrocute the genitals of any drug company executive who OKs advertising on television, especially any products of a sensitive nature during dining times. Since people eat pretty much any time of the day, and across many time zones, that means pretty much anytime. I don't want my spaghettios interrupted by some skank talking about her yeast infection, or someone with a runny ass, or foot fungus, nail fungus, or pretty much anything else. I don't care how your mom douched, or that you can't wash your feet after exercise. I don't if you're too stupid to stop smoking, don't walk around with a thing that looks like a tampon in your mouth and prove it to everyone.

See what else I have to say Previous day's rant

Go to Top

If you have ideas, comments, or criticisms, please let me know.