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Today's contents:

Saving Heidi Fleiss
How many valedictorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nude tennis, anyone?
Mother of the year

Saving Heidi Fleiss. Tom Sizemore, star of "Robbery Homicide Division" (which I like) and "Saving Private Ryan" (which I loved), was released on $100,000 bond after being charged with domestic abuse in connection with punching, shoving, and threatening a woman at his house. Not content with facing those charges, he then reportedly phones Heidi Fleiss, the infamous "Hollywood Madam" and threatens her not to testify, being sure to leave the message on her answering machine. Bright move, huh? Why not just take out a domesitc abuse billboard? Take out a threatening ad in the newspaper. What a knucklehead. I love his acting, but he's obviously clueless about relationships. Since this might hurt his ability to get acting jobs, at least he can take comfort in knowing that now he meets the minimum criminal requirements to join the NBA.

How many valedictorians does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a old joke, I know, but the punchline is constantly changing. This news bit is about a student who sued to be the sole valedictorian. The other student didn't have as high a GPA as this student, claiming that he was forced to take Gym as a class, which doesn't carry the weight of Honors or AP classes. The girl with the higher GPA studied two year at home with an immune-system deficiency. So "Bubble Girl" had that small advantage - big deal. She had the higher GPA, and those are the rules. Life is like that. Is it fair that she didn't have to take Gym? Is it fair that she wasn't able to attend classes with her classmates? Who cares? Highest GPA wins. The Judge got it right - you can't have a "disabled valedictorian" and a "non-disabled valedictorian". The part that got me was that Bubble Girl wants to be a lawyer - what a waste of a good mind. She's got balls though - she is seeking $500,000 in compensatory and $2,000,000 in punitive damages. She's not entitled to that. Court costs and legal fees should be granted, and nothing more. There is no Right to be a valedictorian - the school makes the decisions and the rules. She should take her victory and run.

Nude tennis anyone? That's right, a nudist resort in Florida is going to be offering a pay-per-view internet webcast of a nude tennis match. Now, if you're that stupid that you will part with $10-13 of your hard-earned money to watch "fairly average looking" (read: ugly) people playing tennis in the nude, then just give your money to me for safe-keeping. You don't want to see all of that flapping around - it will distract you from the game. Hell, it might even ruin the game for you for life. I know it would ruin it for me! The people they will use will not be Anna Kournikova, I'm sad to say. We'll be lucky if they're under 50, for starters. Certainly though, people will shell out cash for this event, just like people are willing to pay for otherwise free things, like radio. Here's a scary thought - where do the players hide the extra balls when they're playing? I shudder to think of that answer.

Mother of the year. How will you spend Mother's Day? I know someone who will be spending it in the hospital, or worse. This ass-dart in Tennessee faked a seizure in jail, then escaped from a nearby hospital, stole a cop's car and his gun (that cop should get into BIG trouble), killed her sister's dog, kidnapped her son (who was in the custody of her sister), and then held the gun to her son's head at police gunpoint. Now, I'm no lawyer, but I wouldn't want to take her custody-battle case. I think she has proven she's an unfit mother. She was shot in the head when she threatened to shoot her baby in the head. Shoot her baby? What kind of animal is she?

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